Hello.  Let me introduce myself.  I’m Goldilocks, the fifth.  I live in Austin, Texas in 2014.  No, I’m not the OCD waif who wandered into the three bears’ house and tried out all their possessions until she found the ones that were just right.  She was my great, great, great, great grandmother Goldilocks from 1837.  That Goldilocks got caught because she had to try out everything and judge them for herself.  The old coot, Southey, who wrote the tale of her story, forgot the best part about what the bears left next to the porridge.  Right there on the table were three drinks.  Milk in a child’s cup so small the straw stuck out like a fishing pole.  Forget that one.  Beer in a mug so large that the straw barely cleared the rim.  GGGGramma Goldilocks knew Papa Bear fell for that old tale about getting drunk faster drinking alcohol through a straw.  Finally, locally brewed soda in a large cup with the heavy duty straw projecting 1 ½” out the top.  Ahhh! Just Right!   Our family has handed down those three straws for generations. 

Fifty years later, GGGramma Goldilocks convinced her friend Marvin Stone to perfect a process for making the perfect straw, which he patented in 1888.  All was well for the next few generations until super sizing emerged and outpaced the growth of straws to match those larger cups. 

Well, now it seems I’ve become the fifth generation of Goldilocks to be obsessed with having my straw be just the right length for my large soda.  Otherwise, the whole experience is wrong.  When I go out to eat, I feel I must try out different size glasses, or different length straws; or, oh my, I just end up taking my own straw into the eatery to be sure I have one long enough from the beginning. 

Forget the blonde jokes.  I have an MA from Baylor University.  Yea, everyone wanted my photo with the mascot.  In science I learned that the length and diameter of the straw affect my getting the right amount of satisfying soda in one draw more than atmospheric pressure, friction inside the straw, and gravity.  Don’t even consider calling me smarter than the average bear.  I simply know what I like and how I want my soda to flow. 

Life’s too short.  Lines are too long.  My straw should be just right. –Goldilocks V

Recently, I met the Straw Guide.  Did you know he went to Baylor, too?  Coincidence?  A few decades apart, of course.  Now he's going to make sure we get the straw that's just right every time.